Deus Ex Machina
by DeusXM
Summary: [AU] This is Harry like you’ve never seen him before. Slayer! Harry, Badass! Harry, Manipulative! Dumbledore. NO SLASH! Pairings- LLHPGW, RWHG
1. Knight in Shining Armor my censored!

_Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me_

_I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed_

A tall, black haired boy slipped on black skin tight underwear and pants onto his firmly muscled body, then tousled his hair tiredly.

_She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb_

_In the shape of an "L" on her forehead_

He then put on a tight black polyester muscle shirt, covering the tattoo of a sinister looking angel with a scythe on his back. He also wrapped black bandages around his hands then flexed them a few times before tying the cloth off.

_Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming_

_Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running_

After that, he hopped into a pair of black cargo pants, and strapped two black belts with silver studs and multiple sheaths around the top of the pants.

_Didn't make sense not to live for fun_

_Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb_

Finally, he put on a titanium breast plate, over which he placed a fencing jacket dyed black, with a golden cross with a blade in the place of the lower arm and the words "Dark Angel- Golden Dagger Clan" below the picture. It also had silver studs on the reinforced neck guard and on the wrists.

_So much to do so much to see_

_So what's wrong with taking the back streets_

He zipped up the jacket, and finished the ensemble by wrapping two more belts crosswise his torso, one from his right should to the left side of his waist, and one the other way.

_You'll never know if you don't go_

_You'll never shine if you don't glow_

He headed to the bathroom to clean up a bit before he headed out. Up to this point his eyes had half been closed, but after he splashed his face with water we woke up a bit more and was greeted with his reflection.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

He was handsome, with raven black hair and emerald green eyes. His looks had a hint of enigma added to them by a thin, lightning bolt shaped scar over his right eye. His name was Harry Potter, and he was finally going to Hogwarts.

_And all that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

The only things that marred his visage were a steel band just above his forehead and at the bottom of his hair line, and another scar on his left eye, that slashed vertically from above it to below it, two inches each way. Luckily it hadn't injured his eye.

_It's a cool place and they say it gets colder_

_You're bundled up now but wait 'til you get older_

He finished washing up, and headed back to the bedroom. He grabbed two large objects and a third huge on. He slid one of the large ones into its holder on his back, then strapped the huge with (with the second large object strapped to the back of it) to his torso tightly.

After that, he placed metal gloves on his hands, to protect them as much as the rest of his body.

_But the meteor men beg to differ_

_Judging by the hole in the satellite picture_

He walked out of the hotel room, and went to the man running the desk. The man stared at him for a moment, then started to reach for the phone to call the police. Harry whispered "Meta-flame" and made some rapid hand movements before touching his hand to the man's temple and pulling a silvery substance out and shaking it out into the air. The man looked blank for a moment, then said "Have a nice day"

_The ice we skate is getting pretty thin_

_The waters getting warm so you might as well swim_

The fifteen year old hopped on his bike, before using meta-flame once again to make himself look like an older man, but without the accoutrements. He didn't want to get arrested, after all. After he reached the area he wanted to, he hid himself, then muttered, "Light-Speed"

_My world's on fire how about yours_

_That's the way I like it and I never get bored_

Once again, Minerva McGonagall was having a very, very bad day. After Harry Potter had disappeared from his house at the age of 5, they had spent years and millions of galleons looking for him. Unfortunately, they had never found him.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

Unfortunately they had not been able to. Albus had hoped that he would show up for his first year, but he hadn't. He had held that hope, it, and everyone elses hope was pretty much gone. It had been ten years since he had disappeared, after all. Once again, he wasn't on the train OR with the first year students.

_And all that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

Dumbledore surveyed the students and sighed. Once again, Harry Potter hadn't shown. He had hoped we would come, but once again, he didn't. His plans were shot. He hadn't been able to sculpt Harry's persona correctly…who knows how he had developed.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

Snape smirked, seeing that the so-called Boy Who Lived hadn't shown up again. He was quite happy, but it was to be short lived.

_And all that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody was in a very, very good mood. Unlike Serverus, who was happy because Potter wasn't there, Moody knew the man who Harry had been staying with and knew he had shown up. If the man was right, he would enter quite impressively.

_Somebody once asked could you spare some change for gas_

_I need to get myself away from this place_

Many of the other teachers simply did not care. One other who did, though, was Filius Flitwick, who also knew of Harry's impending arrival.

_I said yep what a concept_

_I could use a little fuel myself_

_And we could all use a little change_

The Deputy Headmistress finished up with the sorting, and went up to the staff table as Dumbledore stood up and the low rumble from the students ceased.

_Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming_

_Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running_

"To our new students, welcome to Hogwarts. To the rest of you, welcome back! I certainly hope that you had a good summer, and that this year will be as enjoyable as those that preceded it. We have a new course being offered this year. Some of you will receive invitations to it tomorrow."

_Didn't make sense not to live for fun_

_Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb_

There was a short murmur from the students about this, but they quieted down as Albus raised his hands in a placating gesture. "The teacher was recommended by a very distinguished wizard in America. Though he did not tell me the new teachers name, he assured me he was very capable and that I would be surprised." He cocked his head for a moment.

_So much to do so much to see_

_So what's wrong with taking the back streets_

THOOM. The students looked startled at the noise, and the teachers stood up, pulling out their wands. THOOM. The students started to look scared, and the teachers aimed their wands at the door.

_You'll never know if you don't go_

_You'll never shine if you don't glow_

The door exploded outwards, leaving an odd silhouette illuminated by the lightning. It appeared to be humanoid, but the head was extremely tall and blocky, and the shoulders extended out and were also blocky.

_Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play_

_Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid_

"How's that for a welcoming party" the hooded figure muttered. He wheeled in a beautiful bike in, black and silver with runes painted on it. He actually was human but there was an odd silhouette for a reason. Strapped to his back was a sword with a 6 foot long blade that was a foot wide, and had a foot long metal handle wrapped in red leather. Behind that was a very large metal cross all in black with a white cloth wrapping around the two axis. On either arm was a two foot long gun that looked like they might have once been .45 caliber hand guns. Another gun could be seen poking out from the back of the cross. Seeing the looks thrown at him, he smiled. However his eyes were still hidden.

"I'm the new student, and teacher of the new class." He pulled off his hood, and the entire room gasped, with many girls fainting (including Professor McGonagall, except for different reasons), and Dumbledore half falling to his seat.

_And all that glitters is gold_

_Only shooting stars break the mold_

He smirked "You asked for Harry Potter. Well, he's finally here."


	2. Alistair: Spirit, Sorting Hat, Boxer?

Harry Potter stood in the doorway, savoring the reactions of the faculty and alumni of Hogwarts. He strode confidently into the room, before he noticed a presence. Focusing a little bit of magic into the Steel Tiara, a black glass-like metal slid down over his eyes. He looked at the sorting hat, and HUD of his visor identified it as a minor spirit trapped in a enchanted magical cage in the form of a hat.

Harry smirked and walked up to the hat and said "Hello."

Everyone goggled at this. They were even more dumbfounded when the hat replied "A slayer! Oh…We haven't had one of your kind here for... well a few decades. Can you release me?"

Harry was startled "Release you? Aren't you under a contract?"

The hat replied "I was…but…" at this he started whispering to the boy, who was right next to the hat. Harry started to look enraged, but calmed himself down.

He stepped back from the hat, then asked "What is your name."

The hat smirked, then said "Alistair"

Harry brought his palms together in a praying position, then chanted "Alistair, I unbind thee, conjure thee, summon thee." He repeated twice more, and then crossed his arms at his chest and bowed towards the hat.

A humanoid mist came out of the Hat, before solidifying into the form of a tall, ageless man, with spiky white hair down to his waist. He had a red stripe on his high right cheek, a green one on his high left cheek, a yellow one on his low right cheek, and a blue one on his low left cheek. He also had a smirk on.

At this point everyone in the great hall had fainted, swooned, or had their jaw dropped. Dumbledore was one of the third class, the more experienced wizards were of the second, and the girls…well you can guess.

Alistair bowed back to Harry. "Thank you for releasing me, Dark Angel."

Harry chuckled nervously. "Holy crap…that cage was a limiter as well, wasn't it."

Alistair snorted "You think they would use a mere mid-level spirit? No, they needed the best, and a elementalist was a perfect choice."

The "man" walked up to Dumbledore, and stared at him. "This….this is for keeping me trapped for so long past my contract." He punched the octogenarian headmaster in the nose.

Hagrid stood up angrily. "NOW SEE HERE! I don't know WHO you are…but no one is allowed to treat the headmaster like that!" He rushed at the spirit, and Dumbledore, still recovering, tried to raise a hand to stop him, but it went unnoticed. As soon as Hagrid got within a meter of Alistair, he was blasted back by what looked like a shimmering shield of air and lightning.

After Alistair had punched Albus, Harry had fallen to the ground laughing up a storm. With his eyes full of tears from the immense laughing attack he had just had, he looked up at Alistair and said "So what House am I in?"

Alistair snorted "Don't you think I did enough sorting in the 1050 years I was here?". Harry chuckled, as did the elementalist, and soon they both had a full case of laughter once more.

"Seriously though. Where do I sleep, eat, snog, etc?"

The spirit snorted again at the third item on the list, but quickly sobered up. "You're a teacher….remember? You get your own quarters, but I'm staying here with you."

(A/N Do I really need to go all that much into detail about everyone's reactions anymore?)

Harry looked confused for a moment then said "So you're the…?"

Alistair nodded. Then he snapped his fingers, and a glowing yellow cloudy ball appeared in front of him. He breathed out, and the spirit bobbed, before heading out in the castle.

"Finding our rooms?"

"Yes."

"Ah."

Alistair strode up to Dumbledore, who had finally recovered. All the teachers except Flitwick started to move towards their leader protectively. However the spirit stopped, and stated, "As Harry's new secondary guardian, you and I WILL be having a talk in the morning. We do not expect to be disturbed."

That being said, enigma and spirit strode out of the hall, one with his motorcycle and cross, the other with the object that had imprisoned him for so many years.

Harry snorted. "God was that funny."

The spirit chuckled "I know! Did you see the looks on the teachers faces when I punched that manipulative old man?" They both started laughing, before Harry got a more serious look on his face. "As much as I would like to continue discussing the merits of the young and old, how the hell are two…well not people…beings going to sleep in one bed. Because I don't know about you, but I am most definitely NOT gay."

The ancient spirit laughed heartily "I'll just let my essence drift at night. Spirits don't need to sleep, you know."

"Okay. Hey… you're true essence is hidden from my visor. What and who are you?"

"My name is Alistair. I was created 10 thousand years ago by who you call Mother Nature, as a minor servant. In todays spirit terms, I am a level 3 elemental master."

Harry gaped "Level 3? That means that you are only ruled by…"

"Yes. Level 2 Elemental Lords and Level 1 Elemental forces, otherwise known as forces of nature."

The younger man smirked, before collapsing onto the bed. His room was medium sized, painted in blacks and reds.

"This was an interesting day, Alistair."

"Aye, Harry, it was."

Harry thought for a moment. "Will you help me out with the class?"

"Sure? I mean, it helps to have one in your class, doesn't it?"

"It certainly does."

With that, spirit and boy, old and young, drifted off to sleep (or what passed for it), preparing for the day ahead.

OMAKE:

A humanoid shape appeared of the hat, and solidified into… a voluptuous young teen wearing a sailor fuku? She ran at Harry and jumped into his arms, wiggling in just the right places.

Harry croaked "Well this certainly isn't what I expected"

End of Chapter 2 of Deus Ex Machina


	3. Harry vs Toad

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter. I do own most of the stuff you don't recognize tho.

The vampire stared at Harry hungrily, almost panting in anticipation of the taste of fresh blood. Instead of showing signs of fear, he looked quite impassive, something the undead creature was not quite used to. Finally angered, it charged at the young man. He calmly sidestepped, and planted a foot in the vile creature's back for effect, before whipping out an extremely large handgun. It was a modified .44 caliber handgun that had a barrel about 18 inches long. He placed in the center of the undead creature's forehead and smirked "Go to hell, asshole." He pulled the trigger and the ironwood bullet punched through the creature's head, causing it to fall over backward and burst into flame, all appearances of ethereal beauty gone as its inner horror shone through the previous illusion. Harry busted out a video camera, set it up at a proper height, and sliced the vampire's head off. He looked at the camera, and growled "Mission Accomplished."

Fap. Harry, feeling a strike connect to his head out of nowhere, growled. He turned around and looked for the moron who had tried to screw with him, but was unable to. Fap, fap. He frantically tried to find the assailant, but to no avail.

"WAKE THE HELL UP YOU IDIOT"

Harry sat straight up in bed, awakened from his dream. Alistair was standing next to him with his mouth near his ear.

"Jeez….what did you do that for? I was having a good dream!"

"What's a good dream for you?"

"I had just decapitated a vampire, then placed it on a wooden stake and took a short digital video of it."

The spirit broke out laughing and walked away, as Harry stumbled out of bed, grumbling. He washed up and dressed, before heading out to the Great Hall.

He quickly strode to the great hall. He walked to the center of the room, and pulled out a large amount of senbon (1). He then span in a circle very fast and let them go. Everyone gasped as the extremely sharp tipped needles dug into the wood in front of certain students.

"Potter, what is the meaning of this?" McGonagall demanded. Harry ignored her. He walked up to the front of the hall, and turned around.

"Those who received my…gift need to read the paper (2) wrapped around it and follow the instructions written there. You may refuse…but I highly discourage it."

Harry sneered at the room, and then quickly strode out once more.

There was chatter in the hall behind him, as students quickly unraveled the paper wrapped around the needles, and read them.

Harry walked down to the kitchens to grab some food. He knew the passwords of the castle, courtesy of resident ex-sorting hat. After introducing himself and giving the name of his predecessor, he was given all the food he want. Satiated, and munching on a roll, he walked up to the first class he was taking that day, Defense with Gryffindors and Slytherins.

The teacher was a foul woman he had not seen the previous night, and had ignored her protests that morning.

"Well, look who we have here! Welcome to my class, Mister Potter."

The boy sat down, ignoring the foul woman.

"Now Mister Potter, we can't have you not paying attention…" She walked up to him and put her hands on her hips. He responded with a vulgar suggestion not anatomically possible.

She gasped, then scowled venomously. "Mister Potter, I will not accept language like that in my class! 30 points from…"

Harry smirked at her victoriously "From where? I'm autonomous."

"I'm sure the ministry could sort you into a new house…Hufflepuff perhaps."

"If your damned ministry tries anything, I'll be outa the country so fast that you can't even say Incarcerous!"

Now, the whole class was looking at this exchange with wide eyes and open mouths. However, they next saw something that shocked them even more.

Umbridge pointed her wand at Harry, and quickly shouted "Silencio! Incarcerous!"

Harry reached into his belt and pulled out a dagger, and then sliced the spells in half, before balancing the tip of it on his finger.

"Listen lady…I don't really care who you are or what you think you can do. I'm only here because my previous guardian thought that I was trained enough to let 3 years go by without more intense training. I don't even WANT to be here. In 3 years….you Brits are never going to see me again!"

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, then decided that to ignore a problem was the best way to deal with it. She snapped "Detention at 8 with my tonight Potter" then proceeded to teach her incredibly dull class…Harry used it to catch some shut eye.

Awakened an hour later by the sound of everyone standing up, he wiped the drool off his face and left the room, but not before flipping the repugnant…female the bird.

Harry laughed at her and stalked off, ignoring her infuriated face.

Short—I know. Sorry about the wait, but finals are happening and…well…it's crappy!

So…reviews.

Chapter 1 Reviews

YinMiltato: Hopefully they won't notice it. Lol my first reviewer was warning me of a ban!

Loverofthedarkness: Thanks…I hope this chapter and the second met your expectations.

Sarah R. Potter: Thanks

Yami no Kaze: Yeah…the Dumbledore thing WAS funny. And for your other questions…well… wait and see.

Bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks

Chapter 2 Reviews

Sarah R. Potter: Here's the next update…hope you like it.

Bandgsecurtiyaw: Thanks

A/N: Hmm…I thought the whole "spirit inside a sorting hat" thing would cause more controversy. Well, the reason I did it is….I've never seen the sorting hat as a major character. Hoped you liked the chappie! Wow…7 reviews for 2 chapters…I'm flattered.


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